i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
