btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
