I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
