One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
