If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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