I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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