So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
