My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
