I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
