you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize