Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
