Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
