dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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