hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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