You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
