I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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