Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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