Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
