i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
The power of my boobs compel you
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize