I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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