I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
