90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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