I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
she woke up with a sticky ear
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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