im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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