the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
