Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
