i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Randomize
