does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
