why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
