Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I could fuck to npr.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
