dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
