She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
