you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
