He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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