I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
