just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
