he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
