just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize