I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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