and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
