apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
This is my gift to your gina
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
