i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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