Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i wish my penis had a tongue
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
