Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
