Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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