I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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