it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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