i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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