A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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