but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
