Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
