did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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