dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
