im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
