I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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