i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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