Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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