I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
