dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
