What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
